Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Not a cheery update -not horrible, just not cheery

Went in Monday, with hopes of getting the drain removed from the incision in my belly.  What I learned just depressed the hell out of me.

Turns out the doc did not take out the seroma as planned.  When she assessed it, it was not full of fluid as expected, was just the flat envelope that had not refilled.  But the big hernia was behind and under it, so that was her job.  Stuffed it all back in place and implanted some mesh to hold it there.  She said she was surprised to find that there was NO tissue, no muscle, nothing to hold things in - pretty much just the skin.  She chose to leave the seroma in because at least it offered a little support.  Says we cannot go back in there, ever, to fix anything, because there is just nothing there.  But she trusts the mesh to do its job.  The repair is so fragile, she just didn't want to disrupt it yet by yanking out the drain.

Says I cannot do anything, anything at all, for 8 weeks.  Can't reach, can't stretch, can't lift, can't carry groceries, anything.    It has to have time to heal, time for the mesh to become part of the body, not an invader.

I understand that, but I think that's what has me in such a funk.

Having to need help to do anything, everything.  My friends know I hate, HATE, HATE having to ask for help, ever, on anything.  "I'd rather do it myself!!!"  Being helpless does not become me!

I've been part of a lot of failed experiments.  My left knee is a piece of shit because of the way it was 'fixed' and cast way back when.  They have long since quit doing it that way.  The epikeratophakia eye surgery that didn't work and distorted my vision/non-vision even more - they don't do that anymore.  The removal of the entire axillary pad, the fat pad under my arm with the lymph nodes during the mastectomy - they try not to do that anymore (unless the cancer has metastasized dramatically) because of the bad results, like my lymphedema.  The TRAM-flap surgery for the reconstruction - they don't do that anymore because of all the ensuing problems.  Feels like every time they cut on me, something else goes wrong.

OK, enough whimpering.

The extreme pain is gone - there is just a little ache in the area now, probably because of the drain line coiled up in there.  Supposedly that's coming out tomorrow.  I hope.  

One good thing is that the left leg has quit going numb when I stand or walk.  Why oh why didn't anyone listen to me when, for the last year and a half, I said I thought it was caused by whatever that softball was in my belly??!  Of course now the right leg is going numb when I stand or walk and I don't even want to think about that one yet.  I'm choosing to believe that will fade when I can stand up straight again, still difficult to do with the drain. 

It never ends, and it really gets old.

But the weather is now spectacular - cool mornings and hot days!  Oh how I wish I could go play in the dirt!


At 4:17 PM , Anonymous Sooz said...

Being "helpless" may not become you, but look at it as being a damsel in distress; at least temporarily. It puts everything in a totally different perspective. And being a damsel could be becoming! (I notice the "new' look...also becoming!)
Take're doing great, I know.


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