demons

I forgot to include one line of thought this morning when I updated this story, and since I know I've had a number of readers already, I'm sticking this in like a little 'tweet'!

Demons - my biggest enemy as I travel this road of cancer is my bloody mind! No matter the front, no matter the choice of positive attitude, I guess it's simply human nature to fear the unknown. One girlfriend said just the other day, 'expect the worst but hope for the best' - I try, I really do!

An example - when Dr. Brooks' office called last Thursday to say the PETscan results were in, and the doctor wanted to see me as soon as possible, which was Friday, all that did was convince me that the scan showed cancer everywhere. I had 24 hours to stew on the fact that I was probably going to die sooner than later. The fact that the results were positive rather than negative didn't help me survive that 24 hours, because his office/his attitude didn't let me know.

I admit now that my attitude about that man has improved a great deal since my initial meeting with him, when I did not like him at all. But that simple phone call could have been so much better handled. Instead my mind assumed the worst.

Our brains are incredible machines - and though I sorely abused mine in that car accident so long ago, and my lack of memory troubles me every day, I've done very well. Logic and common sense make up for lots of other failings. But there is a damned demon hiding in there who likes to play games!

The newest game? When I learned about the HER2+ part of this cancer, the aggressive fast growing cancer - I can now feel the damned thing growing! I KNOW that's ridiculous - but I swear I can feel it expanding.

The mind - an evil tool sometimes!