Whimper

I had a bit of a meltdown last night - shed a few tears - let some pent up emotion out. Not something I let happen often!

I think it all comes down to all the crap I'm reading about the possible side effects of chemo. I think I finally acknowledged that I'm afraid of the damned stuff.

'They' keep telling me that it's vastly improved, and almost no one suffers from the potential side effects anymore. So why are those potential life threatening effects highlighted in every brochure and article and story? Yeah, yeah, it's all CYA, just in case.

As many women are telling me they'd never do it again, as those that say it wasn't all that bad. Except for losing your hair, and fingernails, and getting sick and weak, and developing acid reflux, and chemo brain, and on and on. I definitely am not looking forward to this next five months.

It just frustrates me beyond understanding that I'm taking so long to heal. Then the Silver Fox reminds me that I'm not recovering from an injury (which I've done splendidly so very many times), that it's a disease and requires a totally different arsenal of weapons.

My arm is retaining fluid, of course, and with the nerves and whatnot re-awakening, it feels like a rubber band stretched way too far that just snapped back and hit me - the entire length of the arm. Fun. But I'm being good and doing my exercises. And I haven't leaked thru the hole in my chest for a couple days now - whether that's good or bad I'm not sure!

Grumble, whine, oh woe is me. I'm only acknowledging this failing in my spirit because I vowed to tell the whole story - normally I wouldn't let anyone know I'm human.

But the sun is out today, so I guess I'll make it thru another day. Spring is here, and the wildflowers are blooming, the days are warm and the nights cool. Southern Arizona is definitely where to be these days!!